By Jean Isaacs
It is human nature to want to fit people into boxes with neat labels attached. Every school application form, whether it is relevant or not, requires you to set down your child’s religious persuasion. This makes for divisiveness.
Beliefs and moral codes draw a society together and prevent it from disintegrating into anarchy and self-gratification. All parents wish to provide their children with a firm moral foundation and see them grow into good human beings.
Whether we do this with or without religion is a matter for parents to decide. Naturally, your own spirituality is important to you and just as you impart education and life skills to your child, you would like to pass on your beliefs to your children.
Every family has its own set of beliefs. While one may have faith in an established religion, another may choose spirituality. Spirituality acknowledges a Creator or a Supreme Being, something larger than self. Spiritualists hold the view that every living thing is connected.
Agnostics and atheists consider it unnecessary to be attached to a religious community to have values. They believe that these are enforced by the example of adults and their explanation of how to differentiate right from wrong. They believe that people subscribe to religion because of the fear of an afterlife.
As long as children see you exemplify the principles of your faith, take personal responsibility for your actions, show concern for others, care for nature and your fellowmen and are happy and fulfilled, they will follow suit.
If you are involved in a cause, perhaps your child will take an interest too. It could be a run for cancer, feeding the poor or tending to sick animals in a shelter. Children need to feel the connection between what you say and what you do.
Children are constantly questioning: “Where did Dadaji go when he died?” “Where is God?” “Why do we go to the temple?” Kids want to know everything.
Answer the questions as best you can, honestly and age appropriately but before you do, throw the question around and make them think about it. It may surprise you to hear what comes ‘out of the mouth of babes’.
Religion is all around you – shrines at every street corner, loudspeakers blaring out religious songs and fiery speeches, shops displaying festival ware, debates on news channels, headlines screaming of pitched battles involving members of religious groups.
Even if you don’t talk about religion, your kid is bound to question you about all these manifestations. If religion is not talked about in the house, you never know how kids will react when confronted with unfamiliar material. You will have deprived them of the basic intellectual tools and they could fall pray to cults or religious ‘extremists’.
Daily indoctrination in some religion based schools may lead to fundamentalism and confuse the child unless the home atmosphere is open and questions are answered satisfactorily.
With the best of intentions, parents of the sixties felt that what they believed had to be enforced on their children. The strict religious atmosphere with a rigorous adherence to religious practice led to dogmatism or sent children veering in the opposite direction, the fallout being resentment, a sense of guilt and shame, and a fear of damnation. If they differed, it was not voiced, as children felt they were letting their parents down.
This often resulted in less confident, emotionally crippled adults. Parents of the eighties went easier on children as far as spiritualism or religious practice was concerned. While rituals were adhered to, there were less religion-dictated dos and don’ts. However, children still didn’t have the sanction to make their own choice as far as religion was concerned.
What worked for us may not necessarily be good for our children. Being part of a community and following simple family traditions like saying thank you before a meal, counting your blessings and praying, makes a child feel secure.
The child should be allowed to draw her own conclusions, without fear. The aim is not to control children through religion or spiritualism but to free their minds from rigidity and conventional clutter.
If you observe rituals explain them to the child so that he can understand the concepts of your faith. Be a guide rather than a dictator. In this way you allow them to formulate their own set of beliefs that will stand them in good stead through life.
Let your child learn stories from your scriptures as well as stories from other religionsIt is natural to tell your children age appropriate stories from the scriptures you follow. Read them stories from other religions as well. Draw parallels and point out the morals in every instance.
Give them the Golden Rule, common to all religions – ‘Do unto others as you would have others do unto you’. Apply it in everyday situations, so that they realise when they are being unfair.
For those who don’t believe in a religion, there is always interesting material like Dr. Seuss’ books that teach morals. At no point should the parent make the child feel that his religion is superior or the only path to righteousness. Teach your child to respect every religion.
Besides the established religions, read them stories from Greece and Rome, where for instance they could learn what true friendship means by hearing about Damon and Pythias. The art and culture of civilisations reflect their religious practices, so you are actually helping them get a better understanding of these finer aspects by exposing them to all religions.
By restricting them to the tenets of one religion, you are curbing their potential, which in the long run stunts their spiritual and mental growth. Take them to different places of worship. Dwell on the similarities and point out the differences if you will, without being judgmental. Give them the freedom to question your own religion without being outraged.
Your objectivity will grant them the freedom to explore other religions without feeling guilty. By acknowledging and appreciating the diversity, they develop tolerance. When they are adults, they will ponder over what you have taught them, come to their own religious conclusions and be the happier for it.
Our goal as parents should be to help raise discerning, confident, virtuous individuals, who are able to empathise with others and help spread happiness.
“God will punish you if you don’t tell the truth.” Does that sound familiar? Negative connotations raise all kinds of fears in a child’s mind. One moment you tell her that God is kind and the next you invoke God’s vengeance! What is the child to make of it? We confuse children with our ambivalence.
Just tell the child why he should do what is right. If religion creates barriers, makes you narrow minded, rouses suspicion of people of other faiths, breeds enmity, we have to ask ourselves if religion is really working for us. Today’s citizen of the world balks at being ‘cabined, cribbed, confined.’
Introduce your child to the beauty and wonders of Nature – the intricacy of a spider’s web, the sun glinting off dewdrops, the silvery sheen of a moonlit night, the music of a rushing stream, the freshness of a new sprig or a budding flower – a reminder of the miracle of life. The impact of these experiences sees the stirrings of spirituality, which if developed bring an inner strength to face life’s hardships.
There can be no trust where there is fear. Children need to feel secure and believe that the world is a happy place. Nurture this feeling for the emotional and spiritual well being of your child.
While you have to teach children how to protect themselves, they should learn to think well of people in general. From trust grows the feeling that by doing good we help make the world a better place.
In this frenetic world, children are rushed from one activity to another. Tension levels increase. Children need to keep still sometime and be by themselves just as adults do, in order to reflect. How often do we hear the words “I’m bored!”
The art of keeping still needs to be cultivated. The beauty of Nature, soft music, a picture gives them time to ponder. This is when they get in touch with the inner self. If they do, they will learn to be comfortable with who they are and be guided by their intuition to do the right thing.
Simple traditions like saying thank you before a meal, a prayer at bedtime and counting their blessings are important. Contentment follows gratitude. Take children to visit the less fortunate in an orphanage, old age home or any other community project.
They will realise how fortunate they are to have a comfortable home, good friends or even a wonderful teacher. Help them see how lucky they are to have a grandparent, who may not be with them for long. Get them to understand that this is the time to show their appreciation for all that she has done for them.
By encouraging your children to contribute their mite for a cause, you give them the feeling that they can make a difference in the world. This becomes a habit and the children grow up into generous human beings.
Let’s not try to make children clones of ourselves. They need our wisdom and guidance but have to make their own choices to fulfil their spiritual desires, and we as parents have to respect that.
In today’s context, where interfaith marriages are the norm, what do we wish for our kids? While we may give them a blank slate to script their own religious, spiritual or moral path, it is our responsibility to furnish them with the tools necessary for their journey to becoming intelligent, responsible, moral individuals, in harmony with Nature and their fellow human beings.
If we as parents give our kids a stable environment, support their decisions and have a positive outlook, our children will learn to value life; and the afterlife, if you believe in one, will take care of itself. What you believe is important for it dictates who you become.
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